All of Boris Johnson's best ever quotes

Now that Boris Johnson has confirmed his resignation as Prime Minister of Britain, we take a look at some of the best cringeworthy, funny, astounding - and some terrifying - quotes Boris has made throughout the years.

In May 2010, Boris Johnson wrote a column in The Telegraph about ex-Prime Minister Gordon Brown (2007-2010). He said: "The whole thing is unbelievable... He is like some illegal settler in the Sinai desert... he refuses to acknowledge that he has been sacked... whose job is it to tell him that the game is up?"

The Prime Minister filmed a Christmas message for the public in front of a Christmas tree in Downing Street in 2021. He nodded to those who were "getting jabbed not just for themselves, for ourselves, but for friends and family and everyone we meet."
He continued...
"That, after all, is the teaching of Jesus Christ, whose birth is at the heart of this enormous festival – that we should love our neighbours as we love ourselves," he said.

We continue this compilation with the moment that has been voted as the funniest moment of 2021 by Beano readers. In November, the Prime Minister gave a bizarre speech, telling business chiefs about the wonderful family trip he had to Pepper Pig world - although he did go on to say that the TV character looks like a 'hair dryer' and that Daddy Pig is a bit stereotyped. He was subject to many 'are you OK?' questions shortly after...

In September 2021, Boris was at the United Nations General Assembly and gave a speech, appealing for greater efforts to tackle climate change. He said (and we quote), "And when Kermit the Frog sang 'It's not easy being green' - You remember that one? I want you to know that he was wrong. He was wrong. It is easy, it's not only easy, it's lucrative and it's right to be green." Unfortunately, he didn't stop there. "No matter that he also was unnecessarily rude to Miss Piggy, I thought."

'Let the bodies pile high'.... Did he really say that? Well, Boris Johnson continues to deny this one. As Sir Kier Starmer said, “It was reported this week, including in the Daily Mail, the BBC and ITV – backed up by numerous sources..." But Johnson never admitted to saying he would rather see “bodies pile high” than implement another lockdown.

When talking about the scandal surrounding the rather large sum of money Boris had spent on the renovation of his number 10 flat in 2021, Johnson said: “The one thing I object to in this whole farrago of nonsense is I love J*hn L*wis". Priorities.

"My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances as finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive"

About the same chances as a smooth Brexit, then?

"There are no disasters, only opportunities, and, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters".

Did someone say, 'disasters'?

"Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3".

Is anyone able to apply any logic?

"Despite looking a bit like Dobby the house-elf, he is a ruthless and manipulative tyrant".

The wonderful world of witchcraft and wizardry.

“This is going to be a fantastic year for Britain.”

This is Johnson's 2020 New Year's Twitter post. The positivity, hopes and dreams we all had back then. Who would have known any different, Boris?

"But if people want to swim in the Thames, if they want to take their lives into their own hands, then they should be able to do so with all the freedom and exhilaration of our woad-painted ancestors."

He also claims to have swum in the Thames himself, specifically at Chiswick, which is not only prohibited but also incredibly dangerous with the rive known for its strong currents. 'Lead by example' may not be a good Boris adage.

"Ping-pong was invented on the dining tables of England in the 19th century, and it was called Wiff-waff! And there, I think, you have the difference between us and the rest of the world. Other nations, the French, looked at a dining table and saw an opportunity to have dinner; we looked at it and saw an opportunity to play Wiff-waff."

What a load of old wiff-waff...

“It is fantastic news that the world has agreed to cut pollution and help people save money, but I am sure that those global leaders were driven by a primitive fear that the present ambient warm weather is somehow caused by humanity; and that fear – as far as I understand the science – is equally without foundation. There may be all kinds of reasons why I was sweating at ping-pong [in December] – but they don’t include global warming.”

What could it be?

"It's vital for all of us to show that this is not all about some expensive, politically correct, green act of bunny hugging."

Did he just say 'bunny hugging'?

"There is absolutely no one, apart from yourself, who can prevent you, in the middle of the night, from sneaking down to tidy up the edges of that hunk of cheese at the back of the fridge."

Depending on how long that cheese has been there, Boris.

"We cannot turn our backs on Europe. We are part of Europe."

Said the man leading the UK into Brexit.

"Exams work because they're scary."

Boris made his opinions clear on education in 2005. He also said that he wished the UK had more schools like the one he went to, Eton - a very expensive private school.

"Face it: it's all your own fat fault"

He wrote an entire column for the 'Telegraph' in 2004 where he argued obesity was a choice. He continued, "the more the state tries to take responsibility for the problem, the less soluble the problem will become."

"It is just flipping unbelievable. He is a mixture of Harry Houdini and a greased piglet. He is barely human in his elusiveness. Nailing Blair is like trying to pin jelly to a wall."

Sounds incredibly slippery.

"I'm like a greased panther, a coiled spring".

Boris took part in a charity England v Germany football match in May 2006.

He used his panther-like skills to conclude the game by springing headfirst into a German player's stomach.

Photo: newsandstar.co.uk

"A mutton-headed old mugwump".

An attack in 2017 on then Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn. Boris claimed Corbyn was a threat to national security.

When asked to apologise for the comment, Boris replied: "I apologise to mugwumps everywhere".

"There will be scaled up testing at a local level combined with contract tasting, testing, tracing.
Forgive me, contract, contact tracing through NHS test and trace."

During the Downing Street Briefing, Boris got tongue-tied and attempted to correct his mistakes. And kept getting it wrong.

“In the future, voice connectivity will be in every room and almost every object: your mattress will monitor your nightmares; your fridge will beep for more cheese, your front door will sweep wide the moment you approach, like some silent butler.”

Cheese, butlers and nightmares? Doesn't sound like the future is too bright, Boris?

"I have not had an affair with Petronella. It is complete balderdash".

The 2004 scandal hit headlines when Petronella had an abortion after he never left his wife for her, like he promised he would do.

Photo: The Picture Library Ltd

"We drink more Italian wine than any other country in Europe - 300m litres of Prosecco every year,” he said in 2016, threatening the Italians to stop buying Prosecco in the case of a bad Brexit deal, “They are not going to put that at risk.”

"I said 'yeah, maybe we're going to lose some Prosecco. You're going to lose some fish and chips exports'."

"Look at what we've done already. We've transitioned away from coal in my lifetime.

"Thanks to Margaret Thatcher, who closed so many coal mines across the country, we had a big early start and we're now moving rapidly away from coal altogether."

It was meant to be a joke. Hilarious.

"I will not" obey instructions to ask for a delay.
He said there were "no circumstances" in which he'd ask for one.
He said he'd "never" beg for one.
He told MPs simply: "I will not ask for another delay."
He said he'd rather "die in a ditch".

Boris Johnson asked for a three-month delay to Brexit.

"My speaking style was criticised by no less an authority than Arnold Schwarzenegger. It was a low moment, my friends, to have my rhetorical skills denounced by a monosyllabic Austrian cyborg."

He'll be back.

"I think it’d be disgraceful if a chap wasn’t allowed to have a bit of fun in Las Vegas. The real scandal would be if you went all the way to Las Vegas and you didn’t misbehave in some trivial way."

What a scandal, indeed.

Four days before the first national lockdown was announced in March 2020:

"I think, looking at it all, that we can turn the tide within the next 12 weeks and I’m absolutely confident that we can send coronavirus packing in this country."

More about Boris Johnson: his road from childhood to Downing Street